


The Manchurian Elephant

by calamityjack



Category: The Terror (TV 2018), The Terror - Dan Simmons
Genre: Friendship, Gen, M/M, absurdity, some historical inaccuracy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:20:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21513682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calamityjack/pseuds/calamityjack
Summary: Fitzjames and Le Vesconte purchase a cheetah and it leads to some unexpected revelations.
Relationships: (background), Commander James Fitzjames & Lt Henry T. D. Le Vesconte, Commander James Fitzjames/Lt Henry T. D. Le Vesconte, Thomas Jopson/Lt Edward Little
Comments: 21
Kudos: 31





	The Manchurian Elephant

**Author's Note:**

> From Impudent Guttersnipe's astute observation that "Two men do not adopt a fucking cheetah together unless their relationship is far beyond brohood." Fully agreed.
> 
> Complete absurdity as usual. Henry T. Dundas, that biscuit-loving moron, has rather stolen my heart.

It is a solemn truth that procuring a cheetah from the markets of Bombay binds two men together in a way that almost nothing else does.

"Tally ho!" yells Le Vesconte, quite uncharacteristically beside himself, barely clinging to the leash as their exotic purchase drags him through the stalls in pursuit of a stray monkey. Fitzjames, thrilled with the morning's events and the surprising economy of buying a large carnivorous cat, jogs after them while gallantly hollering apologies over his shoulder to the petrified street vendors.

"Training our cheetah, you know! Got to start somewhere--my lieutenant, you know, quite a berserker when the moment seizes him--Now, Madam, I'll recompense you your chickens 'pon my honor--"

Fitzjames pointedly avoids mentioning that his pension in command of the _Clio_ has neglected to arrive in time for their departure and therefore paying the value of a chicken stand is quite out of the question. In fact the whole point of their morning venture was to call on the purser and demand Fitzjames be paid his due. It simply would not do for _Clio's_ captain to be scraping the bottoms of his pockets every time he wanted to treat his officers to a round of Allsopps. But then Dundy had become distracted by a platter of sweet _gulab jamuns_ and James very quickly located the most outlandish thing one could possibly purchase, quite intolerably cramped in a far-too-small cage next to a pen with a baby elephant, and several birdcages stuffed with vibrant birds of paradise.

Le Vesconte, sucking his fingers clean of sugar, wasted no time in petitioning most insistently for the elephant, but even James really couldn't see the logic in bringing it aboard the _Clio_ on a voyage which might very well last years. Le Vesconte suggested that they might release the elephant somewhere in China if it became too large.

"Don't get obstinate, Dundy, I'm offering to buy you a cheetah. Something I imagine no superior officer has ever done for a lieutenant in naval history." 

"I don't give a fig for cheetahs. We simply must have the elephant."

"We are not getting an elephant."

"Elephants are noble creatures. And cheetahs are not native to India." 

"I am aware of this fact, Dundy. She originated in the African Savannah no doubt and was summarily captured." 

"In that case she's probably quite illegal. You don't even have the money for a cheetah, so you'll make me buy it and then take all the credit as usual." 

"I say! As your Captain I really must put my foot down! As if that elephant is a legally sanctioned investment! Elephants don't belong in the Far East and he'd certainly be lonely. How would I explain to the Chinese authorities that there was an elephant wandering around Chinkiang?"

"Oh and a cheetah would be quite at home in China would it?" grumbled Le Vesconte. 

"Nonsense," sniffed Fitzjames. "Bring me that cheetah, my good man! She won't be in China. We shall train her as a royal companion fit for the King of Persia and bring her back to England to visit the Queen."

"How reasonable," drawled Le Vesconte.

At first, Le Vesconte refused to have anything to do with the cheetah out of pure spite but as the morning wore on and she was discovered to be as fond of pork vindaloo as himself, James could not induce him to relinquish her leash. Le Vesconte really rather took to the business of cheetah-owning and decided to commemorate her first steps of freedom by showing her the market, which really consisted of the cheetah dragging him all over creation and upsetting every fruit and spice stall in sight until both had mango and various spices splattered on their respective coats. 

"--only a fruit stall, my dear Sir, no harm done--I shall buy your mangos, every last one--get that animal under control, Dundy! I really can't afford this!"

"I say! What sport!" hollers Le Vesconte, having the time of his life.

It takes both men to finally wrangle the cheetah to a halt once she has caught her monkey, which as it turns out was not a stray but rather the pet of a family of little orphaned children.

"You might have told it was a pet by its little pants, Dundy," says Fitzjames after digging through Dundy's pockets for a few coins to distract the children from the spectacle of their monkey being eaten alive.

"Don't pin this on me," pants Le Vesconte, wringing his sore hands one by one. "This was your idea."

"You reek of _garan masala_ ," sniffs James. 

They manage to circumvent the discontented vendors and avoid relinquishing any material wealth solely by virtue of possessing a cheetah with a monkey arm dangling from her mouth, and between the two of them wrangle her back onto the _Clio_ to the utter astonishment of the men. The terrified boatswain scales the mizzenmast with an alacrity never before reflected in his management of the sails and James makes a mental note to have words with him about the veracity of his gimp leg.

They install the cheetah belowdecks in the storage room and Le Vesconte very thoughtfully leaves one of their finest haunches of pork to soothe her. 

"She'll be monstrous comfortable," James assures him as they retire to the Great Cabinet to partake of a very fine supper of wild boar and peacock, whose feathers James decides simply must adorn the panel of his cocked hat. 

"I'm more concerned about your monstrous ego," remarks Le Vesconte through a mouthful of peacock as James' long-suffering steward scuttles forth with the feathers. "Ordering such an outlandish _cockade._ " 

"That's quite enough, Dundy. We are to embark on a voyage along the coast of Persia and then, one hopes, to our old Eastern stomping grounds. One must look suitably ornate and a cheetah is _just_ the thing."

"That's what this is all about isn't it? So you can nance around like the King of Persia," says Le Vesconte, quite unperturbed. 

"After some reflection," says James loudly. "I have settled on a name for our exotic mascot." 

"Pray tell," says Le Vesconte in his most aristocratically polite accents, which alert James that he is about to obstinately disagree with whatever is said next. 

"I thought perhaps Cleopatra--she is to be the _Clio's_ mascot after all. We can call one Cleo and the other _Clio_. I thought it rather clever."

"Is that Cleopatra spelled with an "i" or an "e"?" 

"What difference does it make? An "e" I suppose."

"I don't like it."

Fitzjames sighs, quite exasperated. "Then what would you suggest?"

"That seeing as I purchased the cheetah--"

"I shall reimburse you! I say, no ship has ever had a _cheetah_ before--"

"--and I really wished to purchase the elephant--" 

"I couldn't bring an elephant to Persia!"

"--I ought to be permitted to choose her name."

Fitzjames struggles for a long moment before the fairness of such an argument causes him to throw up his hands. "Oh, very well, Dundy, fair's fair, only don't choose anything stupid."

"In actual fact I thought of a name the second you demanded I procure her."

"Oh yes? And what is to be her anointed title pray?"

"Elephant," says Le Vesconte.

" _Elephant??_ Are you quite deranged? It shan't be Elephant. Her name is Cleopatra--"

"Elephant, I say! You agreed to my terms quite manfully, now don't be churlish--"

"You're a monstrous friend, Dundy and I shan't get over it anytime soon."

"I say, do be a sport Fitzy, there's a good fellow."

"This is the last time I take you on an outing, Dundy, or trust you with any kind of responsibility whatsoever. What shall I do with a cheetah called _"Elephant?"_ What an utterly _distressing_ morning." 

"On the whole," says Le Vesconte. "I found it to be a prodigious success." 

* * *


End file.
